FRUITCAKE RECIPE

1. Go to the crafts store.

2. Purchase one or more bags of dried fruit, some plaster of paris, brown paint and a disposable cake pan.

3. Return home.

4. Unwrap the dried fruit, carefully folding the wrapper inside-out and placing it at the bottom of your trash can. Better yet, send it through your personal paper shredder and use it for insulation in the attic.

5. Mix the plaster of paris with water and pour into the disposable cake pan. Place dried fruit on top, gently pushing in so it looks “baked” in the “batter.” Let dry.

6. Take your “fruitcake” out of the disposable cake pan.

7. Cover the top, bottom and sides with brown paint, avoiding the fruit.

8. Wrap your “fruitcake” in festive, colored saran wrap and finish with a bow. I like using red wrap because it gives a warm glow to the “fruitcake.”

9. Give your “fruitcake” to someone you want to impress. When they lift it, they’ll say, “Wow! You must have made a really rich fruitcake!” Don’t forget to smile and say, “Oh, its Paris-style fruitcake.”

10. Don’t worry about someone trying to eat your fruitcake. Nobody actually eats fruitcake … that’s just a rumor. Just so you know, the dried fruit won’t go “bad” because it has the same preservatives as Twinkies, which have a shelf-life of about 237 years.

One Liner

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. I’ll buy my own stuff.

CHRISTMAS COOKIE RULES – Part 2

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five – one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

7. Cookies eaten while watching “Miracle on 34th Street” have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else’s plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It’s a rule!

One Liner

How do you get into a reindeer’s house? Ring the deer-bell

Christmas Cookie Rules – part 1

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you’re making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend’s first cookie is calorie free (rule #1), yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

One Liner

Dear Santa, I can explain.

Dick: Great news! Teacher said we would have a test rain or shine.

Jane: What’’ so great about that?

Dick: It’s snowing.

One Liner

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.